COMMUNICATING: AS EASY AS 1, 2, 3 

“People who understand the rules of body language hold the answers to communication.”

KATHRYN GORMAN

Do you need to make a good connection with someone very quickly? Like, today? Are you worried about a meeting or presentation? An important conversation? A negotiation? Have you tried a few things, made an effort, yet you still can’t get through to someone, they don’t seem to hear you or see what you’re saying? Creating a rapport though body language is the fastest way to do this. It’s quick and easy to do, and it can get you the result you want. Here’s how to create rapport.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone that flowed effortlessly? Recently, I was talking to my friend Nina. I hadn’t spoke to her for a while so there was lots to catch up on: life, health, work, relationships, life. When Nina and I communicate the words bounce easily between us, back and forth, as if we are playing a game, a fun game, where we both know the rules and feel the rules and create the perfect outcome together. If we’re on a video call, I notice how our body language is always aligned. We make the same gestures at the same time. We nod our heads at the same time. We smile at the same time. This always happens when I speak with Nina. We have a natural rapport which was there from the beginning, and we don’t have to work at it. It’s simply easy to communicate. You might have someone in your life like this.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone that did NOT flow? Ever experienced an exchange which was awkward and stilted and stopped and started? Have you had a time where you made a big effort to communicate clearly, yet left feeling as if your problem wasn’t solved, or things were worse, or you had not been seen or heard or understood? Most of us have had experiences like this and it can be frustrating and bewildering and disempowering.

The day after I spoke to my friend Nina, I met with a doctor to discuss a critical aspect of my health. Having recently been told a lump in my breast was cancer, the doctors then told me there was also cancerous tumours in two of my vertebrae. One of the tumours was sitting dangerously close to my spinal cord and had also eaten away at the bone, making the situation fragile and potentially disastrous. If it hadn’t been identified in time, I could have become paralysed, or the vertebrae could have broken, even from something as innocent as going for a run or bending to lift a shopping bag. So I agreed to commence Strahlentherapie (radiotherapy) to dissolve the tumour. (By the way, using the word “dissolve” is my language. The medical profession prefers to use words like “target the tumour” or “kill the tumour” but seeing as I’m not a warlord, and I’ve never served in the military, I prefer the word “dissolve.)

I showed up for my first day of Strahlentherapie and seated myself in the clinic waiting room, feeling anxious but ready to go. I was pumped and positive. I had support from all my favourite people. “You can do this Kath! You’ve got this! You’re so strong!” Friends were sending me happy vibes at the scheduled start time. I was ready! Five minutes before my treatment, a young doctor who I had not met, called my name, and invited me into one of the side rooms. I didn’t think anything of it, thought it was simply part of the procedure. But his next words threw me into total panic.

‘So Frau Gorman, I’ve called you in here because there’s some aspects of your treatment that have changed and there’s nothing to worry about but we do need to discuss it with you and you’ll need to make a decision because…’

And then he rambled.

All over the place. With his words. Like a meandering cow feeding in a paddock… “Need to extend the treatment time…double the weeks but less time on the table…side effects…University study…radiation…discussed in our round table meeting… given your particular type of cancer… stage four…used to be that we sent people home to die…better option…longer life span…side effects…no proven results from studies yet…what do you think?”

I simply stared at him. This was the first of many doctors I had met with over several weeks, each one focussing on a different aspect of my treatment, my health, my body. I’d expected them to express empathy towards me or my situation; after all, that’s what happens in the movies or in literature, right? Instead, they’d simply thrown a bunch of data at me then hurried me out of their office and onto the next appointment. I’d felt like I was walking on shifting sand, as my treatment changed each time new information came in.

You need to have breast surgery as soon as possible!

But it’s also in your lymph nodes so we need to see if the cancer has spread.

Yes, it has spread–it’s now in your spine so you will probably need a back operation.

Don’t run or bend or strain or… you could become paralysed! Be very careful with how you’re moving!

Now you don’t need a back operation, but you need to begin radiotherapy. Immediately!

I thought we’d already figured out my treatment – the first step, at least. It was time sensitive and serious, but this new doctor appeared to be saying something about a change to my treatment – the treatment I was about to walk into. The problem was, I could not understand what he was telling me. And I needed to because, apparently, I had to make another decision about my treatment. Like, in a couple of minutes. And it had to be the right decision.

My inner voice spoke loudly, demanding to be heard. WTF is this guy talking about? I don’t even know what’s he’s saying, let alone how I am supposed to respond to him. At one point I actually stopped him and said, ‘I have absolutely no idea what you are saying to me. Could you start again and explain it another way?’ As he changed track, meandering through another boring pasture of medical terminology, my mind again protested. What is he saying? I don’t get it! Am I stupid? Whaaattt’ssss haapppenning?

He stopped for breath and looked at me. He waited. I waited.

I thought about the serious situation I was in. I could hear the time-clock ticking, feel the pressure as my internal time-manager told me I was supposed to be in the treatment room right now, that I should hurry up and make a decision. Yet my head felt like cotton wool, and I felt angry at the doctor sitting across from me, casually tossing words at me with no apparent consideration for their impact. My mind was yelling at me. It is not my job to communicate clearly right now, it’s his! Why is he doing such a bad job? This is such an important topic to me! It is literally do or die! Why can’t he make it simple? Doesn’t he know how confused I might be right now? Why do doctors generally seem to be such poor communicators?

Furthermore as there was no connection between us–because he had not created one–I had no trust in him. Yet I had to trust him because I was about to undergo a vital medical procedure which I’d read could only be done once, so it had to be done right.

I inhaled to give myself a moment and calm the inner turmoil, then I exhaled heavily, observed the person seated on the other side of the desk, and I changed my body language.

I aligned my body language with his. He was sitting back in his chair, arms crossed, and was bouncing a pen through his fingers. So I sat back in my chair, crossed my arms, and bounced my fingers in the same way. I saw his eyes soften. (It’s possible he also smiled at me, but I couldn’t be sure because he was wearing a face mask due to COVID.) Then something magical happened. I felt connected to him, as if we were friends who knew each other. And then he said, ‘Frau Gorman, if this were my big sister or mum or family member, I would recommend this treatment to them.’

Now that statement might not sound important, but when he said it, I knew he also felt the connection, the rapport. He shifted from “doctor mode” spouting facts at me to a human-to-human approach, offering a very personal piece of advice. I felt comfortable for the first time since I walked into his office. And I suddenly understood what he’d been telling me. All of the random words came together and formed sentences and I actually comprehended them. #Yay!

So, I spoke: ‘So what you are telling me is you suggest I do this treatment for four weeks instead of two, and at a lower strength of 2GY instead of 3GY. Is that correct?’ OMG I just spoke “medical speak”!

He nodded.

‘And you also say that there are no studies yet proving this particular treatment’s efficacy?’ He nodded again. (I don’t normally use the word “efficacy”, but doctors use it a lot, and I’d heard him use it several times, so I did the same. It maintains rapport when you use the key words someone else uses.)

‘So, how am I supposed to make a decision on the spot?’

‘Well, he said, ‘You don’t have to decide right now. We could delay the start of your treatment.’

‘No!’ I protested. ‘I’m all geared up for it. I feel really anxious about it. I simply want to start! The sooner I start, the sooner I’m finished.’ I asked for five minutes to think about it, so I could go outside and “phone a friend”. Apparently, I’d landed in a bizarre version of Who Wants to be a Milionaire? possibly titled, Who Wants to be a Cancer Patient? I fully expected Eddie Maguire – host of the Australian version – to show up around the next corner.

I called a dear friend who had been helping me navigate my treatments and the hospital system, as well as translating for me on many occasions. As I was talking to her, I realised that the doctor had gone above and beyond for me. He’d told me he’d put this idea forward to the team of doctors based on the latest research. He was thinking outside-the-box, and I’m always grateful for this. He was really trying to help me get the best treatment possible! My friend asked me what I felt about the new suggestion. I replied, ‘It feels right. Even though it’s going to be four weeks instead of two, which I’m obviously not excited about, I feel like it’s a better way to go.’  She reminded me to follow my gut feeling, then I returned to the doctor and told him my decision. I began my treatment that day.

If we do not have an alignment with someone, do not feel a connection, or do not trust them, we will shut down the message instead of receiving it. They could use all the words in the world, but the message will not get through. They may as well be speaking another language. This is similar to a signal being transmitted but there’s no receiver switched on to accept it, so it bounces away. Sometimes communication can feel like this.

There is a way to create a connection, build a rapport between you and someone else. In many cases you don’t need to maintain it long term – simply establish it for a little while so you can get your needs met, such as me getting important information from my doctor. If you want to know how to do this…read on.

Before you follow these three easy steps, ask yourself what is your INTENT? What is your purpose in communicating effectively with this person? Is it to get information? To give it? To make a connection which may be valuable later? Know your intent. With my doctor, it was to establish the facts as quickly as possible so I could make the best decision for my health.

Step 1 – CHECK your body language.

Become aware of your own body language. What are your arms doing? Crossed? Uncrossed? Hands resting on your lap? If you are standing, are your arms straight down by your side? What about your legs? Crossed? Uncrossed? And your head? Looking full on? Tilted to the side? What about your facial expression? Are you smiling? Frowning? Now look at the other person. Observe what they are doing with their arms, their legs, their torso, their head.

When we like someone, we naturally align our body language with theirs. We mirror each other’s movements. We are in rapport. We connect.

Step 2 – ALIGN your body language with theirs

Change your body language to match theirs. If they have their legs uncrossed, uncross yours. If their head is tilted to the side, tilt your head to match it, like a mirror image. If their hands are clasped and resting on the table, do the same. If you can’t place your hands on the table–as in the case of my doctor who sat behind his desk, and me on a chair back from his desk–then rest your hands on your lap. Place yourself in physical alignment with the other person.

This creates a connection between you. It tells your unconscious mind that you and this person have things in common, that you can trust them. From here, you can have clearer communication.

Step 3 – CHANGE your body language to check they are in rapport with you

Once you’ve established a connection, make a small change to one part of your body language. For example, if your arms are crossed, then uncross them. Observe if they follow you, changing their gesture to match yours. If they do, then you are in rapport so continue communicating. If they don’t, then wait a few moments and make another small change, noticing if they follow. Some people need a little longer to warm up.

I was very happy I created a rapport with this particular doctor at the Strahlentherapie clinic. As he was the main doctor who managed patient’s side effects and administered medication, he became an important contact during this time. And he actually warmed up a lot, even sharing tid-bits of information about his personal life–something doctors rarely do. I was so happy I had taken the time to build a connection. And I was so happy I know how to create rapport with someone in a way that is fast, easy and powerful.

If you have any positive comments or questions about this rapport process, please use the comments section below. And if you want to learn more about body language then you could explore my two books about it: Body Language Matters and Confident Communication for Leaders (with co-author Carol Fox). Happy communicating!