“Set the boundary! You’re not a bitch. You’re a badass.” (JOINBLUSH.COM)
Recently I received a shocking and serious health diagnosis. I felt completely healthy (still do) and so my mind whirled and spun, struggling to accept this news. Then I had to move quickly into an intense treatment – the first of many – and tell the people closest to me what was happening. The majority of them were amazing, supportive, kind and generous, offering to help in any way needed. Friends of friends of friends were sending me love and good wishes, positive messages which made me feel supported and hopeful and uplifted. And then there was the other people.
This thankfully much smaller group – only a handful, really – proceeded to tell me sad stories about someone they knew who died of the same health diagnosis I’d just received. Or they bombarded me with possibly well-meaning but irrelevant pieces of information, cures, quick fix-its and solutions. They asked me questions, judgemental questions, which made me feel annoyed and emotionally unsafe. They did not ask me how they could help. They did not listen. They simply reacted. They assumed they knew what I needed yet this was based in ignorance. Even after I communicated my needs and boundaries via a video, some of them still continued.
There was one person – a very close friend – who made my issue all about them. This was a very good friend of mine who had been supportive as I went through the initial tests. But then she changed, withdrawing her offer of help. She told me she could not listen to me because she was upset about my news. I got the feeling she expected me to comfort her. About my diagnosis. Yeah, you read that correctly. Overnight she went from ‘Call me anytime you need, I’m here for you’ to ‘I don’t want to hear about it’. Her level of self-focus and selfishness was shocking to me and it added immense distress to an already uncertain and confusing time.
I also had several people I felt I could not share my news with because they would react as this smaller group had – giving me advice, telling me what I needed, making it all about them, and completely disempowering me in the process. And then there was the beautiful man I’d been seeing for a while. We’d been lovers and exchanged ‘I love you’s’ and were talking about a future together. But then I informed him of the diagnosis. After an initial reply of, ‘I am sure it will all be okay. Am sending you all my love’, he stopped returning my messages. I communicated clearly, requesting to know how he felt about things. This was so I could gain some closure and stop giving our relationship energy. At that time, I still expected that at any moment he would pop back into my life offering support and an explanation as to his absence. I even told him I completely got how scary it was and that I would understand if he wanted to walk away. No hard feelings. Just (naturally) sadness and disappointment. But I received no reply. He ghosted me. Right now, I prefer to think he is a ghost, because I cannot for the life of me comprehend how someone can share what we did, say ‘I love you’ then walk away without a single word of explanation.
So, with all of this occurring, and me facing possibly the biggest challenge of my life – and as a total empath there’s been some big ones – I was forced to examine my boundaries. Each day felt like I was walking through a desert of shifting sand, and the diagnosis story kept changing, worsening, expanding, and I needed to find a way to ground myself. As I came in to land, I needed to know who I could rely on, what information I could trust and how I could move forward. And quickly! I had to ask people for help and accept it, even when I was scared they might change their mind like my friend had. I had to risk feeling like a bitch because I communicated my needs or let someone know when they’d done something I’d specifically told them was not helpful. I had to risk being judged as ungrateful by someone who thought they were helping me, when in reality they were draining my energy and wasting my time. I had to honour myself. I had to monitor my energy and become aware when other people were stealing it. And mainly I had to choose life. I had to choose self-love. I had to choose me over another. I had to choose to be loving to myself, even if other people judged me as selfish or became upset with me or wanted me to validate their inappropriate and egotistic behaviour.
I write about the light. I talk about energy. I teach people how to communicate more effectively. And this was a whole other level of learning to “walk my talk”. I think I’ve done it well. I’m getting there. I continue to use all the tools I share in my book, Psychic Matters, and I’m keeping my energy clear and high, so I can be strong and focussed during my treatments and when making the multitude of decisions which come with it.
And this whole experience has reminded me, once again, of the double standard which exists on this planet. You know the one I’m talking about – the one in which, when a female voices her needs and sets her boundaries, she’s called a selfish bitch. Or a witch. Or a ball breaker.
What would happen if we celebrated when a female voiced her needs? What if we cheered her on when she set a clear boundary? And what could be the outcome if we modelled this for the younger ones coming up behind us, watching how we play this game of life?
Most of the females I know do this already. They are strong. They are clear. And they are eloquent in setting their needs and defining their boundaries. And, I have to say, most of the males I know respect and honour this ability.
How amazing would our world be if, instead of jumping in with an oh-so-arrogant solution, thinking we know better than someone else how to live their life, we stood back, saw them through the filter of admiration, and simply said, “You’ve got this, you awesome chick. You’ve totally got this! You’re a total Goddess badass. I believe in you and you know what to do and I’m simply admiring you, having your back, and in total awe of the graceful way you rock your life and your world. I appreciate how you change this planet for the better, simply by being in it…?”
Yeah, what would happen if we did that?
I am happy to report that I have a lot of amazing people in my life who are doing exactly this – seeing my inner Goddess, acknowledging my light, and believing totally and completely in my ability to get through this huge challenge life has thrown my way. And the strength and courage this inspires in me is beyond measure.
So I say, set your boundaries. Be the Goddess badass! Take the risk of being judged or rejected or invalidated. And if you get called a selfish bitch or a witch or a ballbreaker, then…it’s possible that… this is a sign you are doing everything completely right! Right?